Zachary, my life's creation,
happy in your perambulation.
I daily watch your life unfold,
As if a story being told.
But someday I'll be dead and gone,
You'll have to know your right from wrong.
Perhaps taking from my advice,
On, "What To Do When The World's Not Nice?"
If you're alone and feeling sad,
in need of comfort from your Dad.
You'll hear a whisper in your ear,
"I love you son and have no fear".
Know it's I who speaks to you,
and watches over what you do.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Rising Son
The summer solstice means the days are longer,
Your cry is slight at first, but then it's stronger.
And early vivid sunlight hits your eyes,
The sun has risen; thus the Son must rise.
As you attempt to yank me from my bed,
I shield my face, you kick my nuts instead.
Your voice rings forth in obstinate soprano,
Before too long, you're at your toy piano.
I'd drag a rusty blade across my cheek,
I'd snorkel in a cesspool for a week.
Or shove a red-hot poker through my spleen
If you would only sleep past 6:15
Your cry is slight at first, but then it's stronger.
And early vivid sunlight hits your eyes,
The sun has risen; thus the Son must rise.
As you attempt to yank me from my bed,
I shield my face, you kick my nuts instead.
Your voice rings forth in obstinate soprano,
Before too long, you're at your toy piano.
I'd drag a rusty blade across my cheek,
I'd snorkel in a cesspool for a week.
Or shove a red-hot poker through my spleen
If you would only sleep past 6:15
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Working
In order to better make ends meet, I will inevitably need to go back to work. Making ends meet is one of my favorite cliche's. We all want to make ends meet. We endlessly struggle to avoid the emptiness of that breach.
What, you ask, lies in-between those disconnected ends of pecuniary responsibility?
This.
What, you ask, lies in-between those disconnected ends of pecuniary responsibility?
This.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Boy With the Golden Tongue
*DISCLAIMER* Lesley does not like the following post. She maintains that it's too wordy and complicated. Considering the history of my wife's opinion on all things, she's probably right. Be that as it may, I remembered my love for her or my son does not require anyone's approval.
All of you, try to understand, I want my love to tear through Zachary's skin and attack his bones. Truly, much of what I post on this blog will likely someday cause embarrassment to my son that he will no doubt describe as, "Mortifying beyond comprehension". Maybe he'll even hate me for it...
You know what? Tough shit.
He should have seen my Dad in sweatpants.
Which reminds me; We are now accepting donations to Zachary's "Therapy Fund"
*************************************************
"Dadda"
Many years ago Zach, your Uncle Kris described to me an interesting branch of philosophy that denies the essential existence of things. They don't believe that the world existed first and that mankind went around naming everything second. Rather, they believe that the existence of a thing is bound up in language, that, for instance, a tree was called into Being by uttering the word "Tree". This is tough stuff to get your head around because there's a place where reason fails you and something else is required. But I know it's true Zachary. I know in my heart it's true.
Because you spoke me.
Do you understand, boy? Please understand this someday. I was a disparate collection of blurry fragments until you uttered me into the world. You spoke me. You said "Dadda" and called forth a Dad out of the teeming formless void. The word "Dad" blurred the myriad distinctions in the impermanent march of ceaseless change and instituted my emergence: a somebody, a Dad in service to his Son. You Dadded me. The who of who I am coheres in your world. I am the plaything of your speech.
The mouth of the Child gives birth to the Dad. You made me a man, little boy, with the sound of your newly emerging voice.
So this morning, today, Father's Day is not just about me. Its about you.
You are the boy with the magical golden tongue.
All of you, try to understand, I want my love to tear through Zachary's skin and attack his bones. Truly, much of what I post on this blog will likely someday cause embarrassment to my son that he will no doubt describe as, "Mortifying beyond comprehension". Maybe he'll even hate me for it...
You know what? Tough shit.
He should have seen my Dad in sweatpants.
Which reminds me; We are now accepting donations to Zachary's "Therapy Fund"
*************************************************
"Dadda"
Many years ago Zach, your Uncle Kris described to me an interesting branch of philosophy that denies the essential existence of things. They don't believe that the world existed first and that mankind went around naming everything second. Rather, they believe that the existence of a thing is bound up in language, that, for instance, a tree was called into Being by uttering the word "Tree". This is tough stuff to get your head around because there's a place where reason fails you and something else is required. But I know it's true Zachary. I know in my heart it's true.
Because you spoke me.
Do you understand, boy? Please understand this someday. I was a disparate collection of blurry fragments until you uttered me into the world. You spoke me. You said "Dadda" and called forth a Dad out of the teeming formless void. The word "Dad" blurred the myriad distinctions in the impermanent march of ceaseless change and instituted my emergence: a somebody, a Dad in service to his Son. You Dadded me. The who of who I am coheres in your world. I am the plaything of your speech.
The mouth of the Child gives birth to the Dad. You made me a man, little boy, with the sound of your newly emerging voice.
So this morning, today, Father's Day is not just about me. Its about you.
You are the boy with the magical golden tongue.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Young and the Restless
I am aware that selective ignorance is a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put your kids under constant surveillance, it just frightens you. Every 5 minutes they will discover some new creative way to make your hair fall out. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble, benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.
Despite knowing this, I must admit the "Nannycam" at Zachary's daycare is just too cool. For those of you interested on watching all the daytime drama unfold send me an email with a request for the link and password.
Last episode recap:
Zachary unexpectedly proposed to Nikki at recess where they made plans to nap on conjoining blankets. But later he called off the wedding when he discovered her sharing crackers with the new kid during lunch. Heartbroken and in a moment of weakness, Zach fell off the wagon both figuratively and literally when he succumbed to his old vice and hit the bottle for the rest of the afternoon. Meanwhile, Paul shocked viewers by miraculously coming out of his 3 hour coma only to catch Tiffany red handed playing with his favorite toy.
Next Week on the Young and the Restless:
Playtime takes a dangerous turn when Amy accidentally falls from the jungle gym. Zach rushes off to find the teacher but is restrained by Amy's ex-BFF Adam. He's left to wonder, "Was it just an accident?". Also, old jealousies come to the surface when Naomi confronts Theresa about hoarding all the "good toys". Will they finally resolve their issues, or will deep secrets push them farther apart as tensions rise? The answers to these questions and more, next week, on the Young and the Restless.
Despite knowing this, I must admit the "Nannycam" at Zachary's daycare is just too cool. For those of you interested on watching all the daytime drama unfold send me an email with a request for the link and password.
Last episode recap:
Zachary unexpectedly proposed to Nikki at recess where they made plans to nap on conjoining blankets. But later he called off the wedding when he discovered her sharing crackers with the new kid during lunch. Heartbroken and in a moment of weakness, Zach fell off the wagon both figuratively and literally when he succumbed to his old vice and hit the bottle for the rest of the afternoon. Meanwhile, Paul shocked viewers by miraculously coming out of his 3 hour coma only to catch Tiffany red handed playing with his favorite toy.
Next Week on the Young and the Restless:
Playtime takes a dangerous turn when Amy accidentally falls from the jungle gym. Zach rushes off to find the teacher but is restrained by Amy's ex-BFF Adam. He's left to wonder, "Was it just an accident?". Also, old jealousies come to the surface when Naomi confronts Theresa about hoarding all the "good toys". Will they finally resolve their issues, or will deep secrets push them farther apart as tensions rise? The answers to these questions and more, next week, on the Young and the Restless.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Swabbin' the Poop Deck
Hop on the bed son before the carpet melts into water and hungry crocodiles. Grab your tennis racket and call it a paddle. What do we care about words and their referents? Free all things from their chains and cast away. Tennis rackets want to be paddles too. Beds yearn to be fearless ships on the edge of the world, in search of new continents.
The walls of the house crumble while the roof blows straight up into some super cool infinity.
Onward! Ho!
WAIT!! Where's the lovely lass, Lesley?
Look there! She's hopping across crocodile heads like that crazy guy in Activision's Pitfall. And she almost made it too except her pants got snagged on that last corc's big dirty tooth. A pantless voyage then. Ha ha!
With the full crew intact, we cast away on the breath of Poseidon into worlds unknown.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A Sky Gone Crazy With Stars
I had a professor once tell me that I had a lovely mind that effortlessly saw the world in metaphors. Today, that lovely mind split open and oozed it's life out upon the cold and relentlessly harsh and unforgiving pavement.
Today, metaphorically speaking, I died.
On the up side, I know what it feels like to die. On the down side, I can tell you that it unequivocally sucks.
Allow me to explain.
"Sit here for a moment while Daddy goes to the bathroom", I tell my son while rushing in through the front door upon our return from the grocery store. In once graceful, well practiced motion, I plop my son down on the floor, place 5 bags of groceries up on the counter top and unzip my pants- all while jogging a B-line for the bathroom.
I quickly get down to business. Typically I like to talk to Zach through the bathroom door so he doesn't get scared from the sounds of horrifying death and dismemberment coming from my body. I sing him songs, or time permitting, tell him a story to keep him occupied until I can return to my parental duties.
Today was a story day.
As I'm washing up and longingly looking at the toilet, wishing I could sit for another 5 minutes knowing it will likely be the last time I get to relax for the next 3 to 7 hours, something occurs to me. Zach is quiet.
Now those of you who personally know my son need no explanation of the enormity of this statement and therefore fully understand my immediate concern. But those of you who don't should be aware that silence goes with Zachary about as well as toothpaste goes with orange juice. He feels making a racket in the presence of a little peaceful silence is his social obligation, and one with which he accepts with alacrity. Be it at a grocery store, bookstore or funeral.
The icy tendrils of panic begin to creep into the fringes of my cruelly creative mind.
"Is he choking?" I wonder to myself as I quickly dry my hands.
I walk into the living room to a sight even my over-active adult-ADD imagination was not prepared for.
The front door is open. Zach is gone.
I quickly dash out the door and plunge myself into the wild and dangerous jungle filled with speeding assholes, horny pedophiles and murderous maniacs.
In a fraction of a second I scan the scene. Not on the patio. Not in the front garden. Not in the street in front of the house.
Panic tightens its grip.
I run to the sidewalk. Not under the car. Not up the street
Tightens.
I turn my head. Not down the street.
Tight.
I can see 100 meters down our street, which is likely the way he would go. Nothing.
The world splits open.
The icy tendrils that have a firm death grip on my brain have now seized control of the rest of my body. I can't breathe. I notice my vision blurring and my throat is burning.
Trying to look everywhere at once, I am dimly aware that I am now standing in the middle of the street and shaking uncontrollably. Neighbors have gathered. Apparently I am screaming.
"Whats happened?" one of them asks.
"My Son." I say panting in despair, "he's gone"
Immediately everyone splits up in search of the wayward child. One gracious woman stays behind to help me off the pavement where I had just collapsed. "How long?" she asks me.
"5...minutes... maybe less"
"How far do you think your son can crawl in 5 minutes?"
A groan escaping my lips is the only response I manage.
Like cool honey dripping from a spoon, I can feel the sweetness of life forever leaving me. Growing in it's place is a sticky black self hatred that threatens to consume me. Memories pour over me in a flood.
You tugging on my pants for attention that never comes because I'm watching a basketball game on T.V.
You touching your palm and pointing at me, your own way of saying, "I want" and "You" and getting nothing but a curt "No" for a response because I'm too busy washing the dishes.
You crying when I put you in bed, not caring that you're probably not tired, I just want a break.
I hate myself for ever ignoring you.
I hate myself for every discomfort you've ever suffered.
I don't deserve your perfection.
Your are a bright shining star in the dark empty space of my life.
Suddenly an angel dressed as my neighbor taps me on the shoulder and brings me from my stupor, "Here he is! I found him in our front garden."
With shaky hands, I take my son and give the angel a slobbering snot-soaked smile of gratitude.
Zach, clueless to the entire event, points back in the direction of the garden where he was playing and points to his palm.
"Anything you want son," I whisper to him as I walk over to the garden, "anything at all".
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I look down at you.
All I see is a sky gone crazy with stars.
Today, metaphorically speaking, I died.
On the up side, I know what it feels like to die. On the down side, I can tell you that it unequivocally sucks.
Allow me to explain.
"Sit here for a moment while Daddy goes to the bathroom", I tell my son while rushing in through the front door upon our return from the grocery store. In once graceful, well practiced motion, I plop my son down on the floor, place 5 bags of groceries up on the counter top and unzip my pants- all while jogging a B-line for the bathroom.
I quickly get down to business. Typically I like to talk to Zach through the bathroom door so he doesn't get scared from the sounds of horrifying death and dismemberment coming from my body. I sing him songs, or time permitting, tell him a story to keep him occupied until I can return to my parental duties.
Today was a story day.
As I'm washing up and longingly looking at the toilet, wishing I could sit for another 5 minutes knowing it will likely be the last time I get to relax for the next 3 to 7 hours, something occurs to me. Zach is quiet.
Now those of you who personally know my son need no explanation of the enormity of this statement and therefore fully understand my immediate concern. But those of you who don't should be aware that silence goes with Zachary about as well as toothpaste goes with orange juice. He feels making a racket in the presence of a little peaceful silence is his social obligation, and one with which he accepts with alacrity. Be it at a grocery store, bookstore or funeral.
The icy tendrils of panic begin to creep into the fringes of my cruelly creative mind.
"Is he choking?" I wonder to myself as I quickly dry my hands.
I walk into the living room to a sight even my over-active adult-ADD imagination was not prepared for.
The front door is open. Zach is gone.
I quickly dash out the door and plunge myself into the wild and dangerous jungle filled with speeding assholes, horny pedophiles and murderous maniacs.
In a fraction of a second I scan the scene. Not on the patio. Not in the front garden. Not in the street in front of the house.
Panic tightens its grip.
I run to the sidewalk. Not under the car. Not up the street
Tightens.
I turn my head. Not down the street.
Tight.
I can see 100 meters down our street, which is likely the way he would go. Nothing.
The world splits open.
The icy tendrils that have a firm death grip on my brain have now seized control of the rest of my body. I can't breathe. I notice my vision blurring and my throat is burning.
Trying to look everywhere at once, I am dimly aware that I am now standing in the middle of the street and shaking uncontrollably. Neighbors have gathered. Apparently I am screaming.
"Whats happened?" one of them asks.
"My Son." I say panting in despair, "he's gone"
Immediately everyone splits up in search of the wayward child. One gracious woman stays behind to help me off the pavement where I had just collapsed. "How long?" she asks me.
"5...minutes... maybe less"
"How far do you think your son can crawl in 5 minutes?"
A groan escaping my lips is the only response I manage.
Like cool honey dripping from a spoon, I can feel the sweetness of life forever leaving me. Growing in it's place is a sticky black self hatred that threatens to consume me. Memories pour over me in a flood.
You tugging on my pants for attention that never comes because I'm watching a basketball game on T.V.
You touching your palm and pointing at me, your own way of saying, "I want" and "You" and getting nothing but a curt "No" for a response because I'm too busy washing the dishes.
You crying when I put you in bed, not caring that you're probably not tired, I just want a break.
I hate myself for ever ignoring you.
I hate myself for every discomfort you've ever suffered.
I don't deserve your perfection.
Your are a bright shining star in the dark empty space of my life.
Suddenly an angel dressed as my neighbor taps me on the shoulder and brings me from my stupor, "Here he is! I found him in our front garden."
With shaky hands, I take my son and give the angel a slobbering snot-soaked smile of gratitude.
Zach, clueless to the entire event, points back in the direction of the garden where he was playing and points to his palm.
"Anything you want son," I whisper to him as I walk over to the garden, "anything at all".
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I look down at you.
All I see is a sky gone crazy with stars.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
G.R.O.S.S.
Meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club minutes:
9:30 Meeting called to order. Dictator-For-Life Zachary (D-California) proposes resolution condemning existence of girls.
9:45 Minority Whip Kacy (D-Umbass) abstains from vote. Motion fails.
9:46 Patriotism of Minority Whip called into question.
9:47 Philosophical Discussion
10:15 Bandages Administered. Dictator-For-Life rebuked for biting.
10:16 Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties.
Monday, February 9, 2009
1 year old
Winston,
I'm not a poet, not nearly.
I have neither the eloquence nor the skill to convey what is in my heart today and for this I hope you'll forgive me. I want you to understand that my failure here is neither from lack of inclination nor lack of trying. It's simply that it is difficult for me to think when all I can do is feel.
I want to tell the entire story of your life; every moment of the 365 days since you first lay in my arms and I shakily whispered, "I'm your Daddy. Nice to meet you."
I want to lay out all my wishes for you. All my hopes and blessings. I want to tell you how much you've changed me, how much you've taught me in a year. Perhaps I learned more in this year than in my entire lifetime.
But the task is too great, my feelings too overpowering. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Another day the words might come. But today, I can only tell you what I can tell you, and that will have to be enough.
One year and roughly nine months ago, your mom and I entered a strange new world. Phrases like Poker Night, bar hopping and margarita with salt were erased from my vocabulary and replaced with expressions like Lamaze classes, breathing coach, morning sickness and mucus plug. I anxiously watched as your mothers' body spread and stretched, her organs nudged one another over to make room for the new life. An amazing anatomical dance just for you.
The first time I laid eyes on you, I'd like to say that my initial thought was "I love you." but I'd be lying.
I loved the idea of you. But the actual you, was a stranger to me. For 41 and a half weeks you were all I had thought about, every day, every night. I sang to you the best I could. I read to you. I made brilliant, grandiose plans for you. I dreamed of you. I awoke thinking of you and nothing but you. I assumed all of those things would add up to knowing a person.
But when I looked at you, I knew I had been mistaken.
And so my first thought that February evening was, "Who is this?"
I don't know these eyes, I don't know this nose, I don't know these ears, I don't know this cry. Who is this little boy in my arms, trying to make sense of the world. The fluorescent lights, the women in scrubs, the tearful Grandmother, the exhausted mommy who wants nothing more than a large glass of wine? Who is he? Who is he going to be? Who is he going to be to me?
The first night in the hospital, the three of us were alone together. I was terrified. Excited. Panicked and happy. And then in the wee hours that I stared at you, it struck me-- you weren't a stranger at all. It was another time, another place; a relationship I can't quite put my finger on. But it was real and some piece of me was struck with the recognition.
That's when I realized, the face may be unfamiliar but the relationship is not new at all. Teacher and student. Together again.
The student being me.
Here I want to convey this remarkable spirit, this unrelenting joy you radiate and how it has defined you for the last twelve months. But again the language is just out of reach.
I close my eyes, trying to see the combination of letters and commas, periods and spaces that will bring your personality to life, but everything just seems fuzzy and off. A cloudy alphabet soup.
Instead of words, I see images: You waving at the refrigerator. You laughing at a tree. You smiling at a hurried businessman on the street, making him forget the cell phone at his ear and the attitude he wears like armor-- just long enough for him to stop talking mid-sentence and smile back. A brief moment of your attention is enough to change someone's entire heart.
Oh, how I want you to stay this person. This person who isn't afraid to clap for a mailbox or laugh at the clouds. But I know I can't make you. I can only allow you to be who you are at that moment. Gone as soon as it arrives.
I press my eyelids closed again because I want to see who you are at One, lock it into my memory forever. Even if I have no words in my head, I do have the images.
I see your 5 teeth and the hair that just starting to be long enough to curl in random places when you come out of the bath.
I see your perfect pale skin and the smooth soles of your feet.
I see you grabbing my nose in the morning, poking my face or pulling my hair until I agree to start the day.
I see your face covered in cookie crumbs. Or sweet potatoes. Or wet, soggy specks of Gerber goo.
I see you chasing the dog under the table, crawling nearly as fast as he can run on the hardwood floors. I see you grabbing at him as he passes, then slowly opening a moist palm to discover a handful of fine black fur.
I see you laughing at the recessed lighting in the kitchen, an inside joke between you and the 60 watt bulbs.
I see you jumping. Jumping when Mommy walks in the door from work. Or simply jumping because it's the single best thing in the whole entire world and you can do it higher and longer and with far more passion than anyone, anywhere, ever.
I see you laying your head on my chest when the fatigue is just too much to fight, even for you, the amazing non-sleeping baby. I see myself lowering my nose to your head and inhaling, wanting so badly to remember the warmth, the smell, the feeling.
And always, always I see you smiling.
I struggle with the knowledge that these images will eventually be lost to me. The details now so sharp will become eroded and eventually erased with the inevitable passage of time.
Yet I know that I am merely shouting at a sunset. Begging it to stay. Knowing that it can't. I search for the strength to simply sit back and enjoy the show. To embrace the understanding that, like a sunset, your rich color, life and vibrancy will continue to become more and more beautiful with each passing moment.
I'm realizing that sometimes that enough. Sometimes that's everything.
Happy Birthday Son.
Love,
DadMan Bites Blog
I know. Iknowiknowiknowiknow. I haven't posted in ages. I suck, you hate me and wonder why I have to dork so hard. I really have been meaning to post more, but (INSERT RANDOM LAME EXCUSE HERE) and I'm sure you all understand.
So to appease Zachary's rabid fans and their seemingly endless appetite for amusement at his expense, I present the following videos. Some of these are older, some are very very recent. All of them should be new to you. Enjoy!
Zach discovers water is wet
Zach finds his penis
Zach gets busted
So to appease Zachary's rabid fans and their seemingly endless appetite for amusement at his expense, I present the following videos. Some of these are older, some are very very recent. All of them should be new to you. Enjoy!
Zach discovers water is wet
Zach finds his penis
Zach gets busted
Monday, January 5, 2009
Caution
For liability purposes, just about every child's toy or clothing article comes with some sort of warning. Usual suspects aside (a bottle of tylenol, Draino, and fireworks), most warnings are somewhat frivolous and therefore we do not bother to take them seriously.
For example, are we really concerned that a 10 month old is going to remove his dirty diaper, bury his face in the urine (or worse)-soaked cotton and suffocate? No, but perhaps Huggies is just covering their own asses in the event of a diaper-assisted suicide.
Today, however, the line was crossed. Kacy found a new Warning that was so dumb, it deserved a post. This warning was printed on a 1.5" by 3" plastic sticker that was attached to a shopping cart play set.
Here is what it said - verbatim:
CAUTION
Remove this sticker before use.
Leaving sticker attached to fabric
creates choking hazard.
Ummm.......?
For example, are we really concerned that a 10 month old is going to remove his dirty diaper, bury his face in the urine (or worse)-soaked cotton and suffocate? No, but perhaps Huggies is just covering their own asses in the event of a diaper-assisted suicide.
Today, however, the line was crossed. Kacy found a new Warning that was so dumb, it deserved a post. This warning was printed on a 1.5" by 3" plastic sticker that was attached to a shopping cart play set.
Here is what it said - verbatim:
CAUTION
Remove this sticker before use.
Leaving sticker attached to fabric
creates choking hazard.
Ummm.......?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Child of Ungoliant
Zach had another near death experience today. This in and of itself is nothing unusual. Except today it wasn’t his typical blatant disregard for human life exercised in the form of licking an outlet, eating loose change or pulling the dog’s ears. No, today he was just an innocent bystander. Today, death came looking for him.
I walked into my son’s bedroom to find him ignoring his toys and inquisitively looking just over my shoulder at the back corner of the room.
“Hey Squirt, whatcha’ looking OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT”
Apparently while my family was away for Thanksgiving, Shelob decided to move out of Mordor and take up residence in Zach’s bedroom.
Now, I don't mean to brag, but I am proud of the fact that very few things actually scare or intimidate me;
Heights? No problem.
Snakes? Pshaw.
Standing naked in front of a large gathering while giving a ill-prepared speech? Easy.
But if I unexpectedly come across a spider, I shriek and quickly dissolve into inconsolable hysterics like a schoolgirl who has unexpectedly come across Zac Efron.
Armed with nothing more than a box of Kleenex, I ignored the natural instinct to soil myself and took a defensive stance. Throwing caution into the wind, I quickly positioned my body between the Boy and the massive, egg engorged, pulsating spawn of hatred from the underworld.
Akin to the parent who somehow finds superhuman strength to lift a car that’s rolled onto their child, I dug deep and found the courage to attack.
An epic battle ensued where I fought valiantly but was ultimately ambushed, paralyzed and left for dead only to be found by Orcs who took me captive in the enemy stronghold of Cirith Ungol.
I’ll gloss over the details at this point, but let me just say that I escaped, was reunited with my family and I’m fine.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Nightmares
Not too long ago, Zachary woke up in the middle of the night screaming. I ran into his room and said, "What's up Winston? You okay?" The look of fear on his face spoke volumes; You left me alone, in the dark. And I'm scared.
I scooped my boy up into my arms and he immediately fell back to sleep. But as I rocked my baby in the wee hours of the night, I began to wonder:
Can a baby have a nightmare?
After a brief philosophical discussion with my wife, I have settled on the conclusion that if you are old enough to experience life, then you are old enough to have nightmares about it.
"What," I pondered at my slumbering son "could you possibly have nightmares about?"
Before the thought was completed in my mind, I imagined Zachary looking up at me and saying,
Daddy?
Do you remember when I was 8 months old and I accidentally broke your camera lens?
Do you remember how you yelled?
I felt so bad for making you angry and I was sorry for what I did
But it didn't matter
You yelled anyway
You kept yelling and yelling and after a while it was as if you weren't even angry about the lens, but something else all together
Why don't you write about those memories Dad?
Where are the photos of those moments?
"Well son," I whisper sadly
you don't need pictures or stories to remember those times
Those are the ones that are always there with you
Waiting to come out,
from hiding under the bed
or peeking from behind the closet
Whenever you're alone
In the dark
And scared
I scooped my boy up into my arms and he immediately fell back to sleep. But as I rocked my baby in the wee hours of the night, I began to wonder:
Can a baby have a nightmare?
After a brief philosophical discussion with my wife, I have settled on the conclusion that if you are old enough to experience life, then you are old enough to have nightmares about it.
"What," I pondered at my slumbering son "could you possibly have nightmares about?"
Before the thought was completed in my mind, I imagined Zachary looking up at me and saying,
Daddy?
Do you remember when I was 8 months old and I accidentally broke your camera lens?
Do you remember how you yelled?
I felt so bad for making you angry and I was sorry for what I did
But it didn't matter
You yelled anyway
You kept yelling and yelling and after a while it was as if you weren't even angry about the lens, but something else all together
Why don't you write about those memories Dad?
Where are the photos of those moments?
"Well son," I whisper sadly
you don't need pictures or stories to remember those times
Those are the ones that are always there with you
Waiting to come out,
from hiding under the bed
or peeking from behind the closet
Whenever you're alone
In the dark
And scared
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Art Of Parenting
The proceeding picture is one I took of Zachary shortly after he realized that I wasn’t going to let him eat the squashed bug he had just discovered on the floor. Unsurprisingly, he launched into a well-researched, beautifully constructed and brilliantly articulated, hissy fit.
That got me thinking; if little Winston here wasn’t the tender age of 9 months old, he’d probably be kicking the intellectual shit out of me right now and I’d eventually have to let him eat the damn bug.
The writing’s on the wall. I’m simply no match for this kid. I’m Doomed. Helpless. Hopeless. We’d both be a hell of a lot happier if he just always got what he wanted.
But as I was getting ready to pour myself a stiff drink and settle into the inevitable roll of “Deadbeat Dad”, I saw a peculiar book in my bookshelf.
“The Art of War” by Sun Tzu
“Ok” I thought, “It’s worth a try”.
I opened the book and started reading. 2 pages in, I was amused. 10 pages in, I was in awe.
The formula is simple. Just replace the word “enemy” with “child” and BAM! You have the single greatest Guide to Successful Parenting ever printed on paper or bamboo.
Chapter Summary:
- Laying Plans: Evaluate your competitive strengths and weaknesses against your (child)
- Conflict (Waging War): Making the winning play requires limiting the cost of conflict with your (child).
- Strategic Attack: When engaged in a competitive situation with your (child), strength comes from unity, not size, of your forces
- Tactical Dispositions: Defend existing positions established against your (child).
- Energy: Use creativity and timing when engaged in a conflict with your (child).
- Weak Points & Strong: Recognize opportunities that come from the relative weakness of your (child) in a given area.
- Maneuvering: How to win confrontations of direct conflict when they are forced upon you by your (child).
- Variation and Adaptability: Be flexible in your responses to your (child). Respond to shifting circumstances differently.
- The (Child) on the March: Evaluate the intentions of your (child) in order to anticipate their maneuvers against you.
- Choose The Terrain: Understand the (child’s) general areas of resistance.
- The Nine Situations: Nine common situations in a competitive campaign and the specific focus you need to successfully navigate each of them.
- The Fiery attack: The (child) may use the environment as a weapon and the appropriate responses to such attack.
- The Use of Intelligence and Espionage: Develop inside contacts to acquire current information about the (child).
So there you have it. Raise a child, take over the world.
Piece of cake.
Piece of cake.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The Ball In Your Court
One night in late October, Zachary was wide awake about 2 hours past his bedtime. In his hyperactive deliriousness, Zachary began to act a little odd. As he sat on his bedroom floor in the wee hours of the night (i.e. 11pm), he began to play with his plastic snail. And by "play", I mean beat into submission.
As parents, Kacy and I were just baffled to watch this playtime unfold.
As parents, Kacy and I were just baffled to watch this playtime unfold.
Had someone spiced the mashed banannas that evening? Was our sweet little baby developing ADHD so soon? No, as it turns out, he was simply warming up for the "real toy". The Baseball.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Conception and Misconceptions: Pregnancy, Birth, and Raising a Baby
This is Lesley. Please lower the bar. Okay then.
#2: The second trimester is the best part, you’ll glow.
Mostly true, except the glowing part. The second trimester IS the best of pregnancy, but saying that you’ll glow is really stretching it. I think that “glow” is mistaken for the look of complete relief that morning sickness is only occuring a couple hours per day. A more accurate depiction of the second trimester is this: Here is the stage with the LEAST amount of problems…
This week, Zachary turns 9 months old. Hence, he will now have spent about equal time in utero, and out of utero (this isn’t exactly true, because in pregnancy counting includes 2 weeks of ovulation, where Zachary was genetically only half the man he was to become).
But, close enough.
More to the point, I have now spent equal time in pregnancy and post partum. Prior to and during this whole experience, I had some definitive perceptions about what this pregnancy, birth, and being a mom would be like. Like any scientist, I collected sources, reviewed them for accuracy, and then formulated my own hypothesis or theory. My sources were plentiful: books, parents (including my own mom), movies, and childbirth classes, ect.
More to the point, I have now spent equal time in pregnancy and post partum. Prior to and during this whole experience, I had some definitive perceptions about what this pregnancy, birth, and being a mom would be like. Like any scientist, I collected sources, reviewed them for accuracy, and then formulated my own hypothesis or theory. My sources were plentiful: books, parents (including my own mom), movies, and childbirth classes, ect.
Some of these perceptions turned out to be true, and some, not true at all. Thus, this series will be to accurately evaluate (and in some cases debunk) those ideas that we unsuspecting new mothers hold as truth, and nothing but the truth (aka Factcheck.org).
Since Zachary does really take up all of my spare time. This will need to be done in a four or five part series.
#1: Hollywood’s depiction of morning sickness. (i.e. Knocked Up, Saved, Juno, ect.)
MYTH!!! All of those unlucky mothers out there who have gone through “morning” sickness KNOW what I am talking about. First, let’s talk about what Hollywood did get right: morning sickness is not limited to morning. Whoever cooked up that misnomer ought to be shot. Mostly because unsuspecting new pregnancies like me believe that names are meant to be accurate. If names were accurate, then morning sickness is really all-day-all-night-sickness. But, here is where Hollywood gets it wrong.
Scene from Knocked Up: A newly pregnant Kathryn Heigl is interviewing someone for TV. Suddenly she starts to feel a bit ill, and then she runs offstage spewing into a can.
Why this is scene grossly under prepares the newly pregnant mother for what is really to come. It implies that (1) nausea comes on suddenly, (2) the rest of the time you are fine and (3) you have the capacity to function beyond an infantile state.
Here is the reality. When you have morning sickness, you are nauseated ALL of the time. You don’t just suddenly think, Huh, I’m really not feeling so hot, maybe I’ll go vomit now. Nooooo. You've been hit with a 10-week case of Salmonella poisoning. You learn every curve and detail of your home toilet during this time, and probably the tiling patterns of your work bathroom too.
Second falsehood propagated on the silver screen: when your head is not in the nearest receptacle, life is fine and dandy and you are functioning like a normal person. HA! Do you function normally during a bout of food poisoning? Thought not. The best part of each day is after you’ve finished a round (yes, a round) of vomiting and you get that 10 minute recovery feeling where you actually think you might be able to eat something now….once your nose stops burning.
Since Zachary does really take up all of my spare time. This will need to be done in a four or five part series.
#1: Hollywood’s depiction of morning sickness. (i.e. Knocked Up, Saved, Juno, ect.)
MYTH!!! All of those unlucky mothers out there who have gone through “morning” sickness KNOW what I am talking about. First, let’s talk about what Hollywood did get right: morning sickness is not limited to morning. Whoever cooked up that misnomer ought to be shot. Mostly because unsuspecting new pregnancies like me believe that names are meant to be accurate. If names were accurate, then morning sickness is really all-day-all-night-sickness. But, here is where Hollywood gets it wrong.
Scene from Knocked Up: A newly pregnant Kathryn Heigl is interviewing someone for TV. Suddenly she starts to feel a bit ill, and then she runs offstage spewing into a can.
Why this is scene grossly under prepares the newly pregnant mother for what is really to come. It implies that (1) nausea comes on suddenly, (2) the rest of the time you are fine and (3) you have the capacity to function beyond an infantile state.
Here is the reality. When you have morning sickness, you are nauseated ALL of the time. You don’t just suddenly think, Huh, I’m really not feeling so hot, maybe I’ll go vomit now. Nooooo. You've been hit with a 10-week case of Salmonella poisoning. You learn every curve and detail of your home toilet during this time, and probably the tiling patterns of your work bathroom too.
Second falsehood propagated on the silver screen: when your head is not in the nearest receptacle, life is fine and dandy and you are functioning like a normal person. HA! Do you function normally during a bout of food poisoning? Thought not. The best part of each day is after you’ve finished a round (yes, a round) of vomiting and you get that 10 minute recovery feeling where you actually think you might be able to eat something now….once your nose stops burning.
#2: The second trimester is the best part, you’ll glow.
Mostly true, except the glowing part. The second trimester IS the best of pregnancy, but saying that you’ll glow is really stretching it. I think that “glow” is mistaken for the look of complete relief that morning sickness is only occuring a couple hours per day. A more accurate depiction of the second trimester is this: Here is the stage with the LEAST amount of problems…
Here is a picture of me transitioning from the second to third trimester. That is a look of relief!
More to come...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Zach Crawls
I have suspected that my son has been mobile for a few days now. However witnessing his stealthy quadrupedal kinesis in person, let alone capturing the event on film, has thus far eluded me. It all started harmlessly enough: Zach would be sitting peacefully in the center of the room on a blanket while I sat a few feet away with my laptop checking my email. An instant later, Zach is playing with a fork and the electrical outlet.
How the hell...
Naturally, I assumed the dog had picked him up and moved him. Either that, or Zach had somehow ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and teleported to the cupboard containing the cleaning materials and knives. Simply unthinkable was the possibility that my son, my BABY, of a mere 8 months of existence had so rapidly developed his motor skills and triumphed over his epic battle against ataxia.
In the minutes that followed I would rescue my son from his blatant attempts at suicide no less than 7 times. I would piously return him to the safety of the center of the blanket in the middle of the floor, an astronomical 6 or 7 feet away from any potential life threatening mischief. Yet somehow, every few seconds I would find him in some new unexplainable location, like digging through the trash, sticking his hands in the toilet, or eating dog food.
So there I was, sitting on the couch with our friend Annie, when I saw the impossible happen:
My son crawled.
Sounds impossible, I know. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes (didn't we just bring him home from the hospital like, a week ago?) but here is the mocking evidence of my ignorance to the passage of time
How the hell...
Naturally, I assumed the dog had picked him up and moved him. Either that, or Zach had somehow ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and teleported to the cupboard containing the cleaning materials and knives. Simply unthinkable was the possibility that my son, my BABY, of a mere 8 months of existence had so rapidly developed his motor skills and triumphed over his epic battle against ataxia.
In the minutes that followed I would rescue my son from his blatant attempts at suicide no less than 7 times. I would piously return him to the safety of the center of the blanket in the middle of the floor, an astronomical 6 or 7 feet away from any potential life threatening mischief. Yet somehow, every few seconds I would find him in some new unexplainable location, like digging through the trash, sticking his hands in the toilet, or eating dog food.
So there I was, sitting on the couch with our friend Annie, when I saw the impossible happen:
My son crawled.
Sounds impossible, I know. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes (didn't we just bring him home from the hospital like, a week ago?) but here is the mocking evidence of my ignorance to the passage of time
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Too young for Chutes and Ladders, Too old to just sit there whlie you drink
Zach has reached an age where simple shadows on the wall don't hold his attention like they used to. As a result, he has found a variety of ways to satisfy is ever growing demand for cheap, accessible entertainment. Here is a list of his current favorite pastimes.
Take a Dump in the Bath
# of players: 2-3
Rules: Engage in happy bubbly play in bath while sitting in between the legs of a clueless player 2. While player 2 is distracted, take silent but massive dump. Do not give any outward clues to the passing of this event. Score points for allowing player 2 to come across it as he gropes in the bathwater for the sponge.
Yank the Penis (formerly known as "Squeeze the Testicles")
# of players: 1
Rules: While naked (getting changed, taking bath etc.), firmly grasp hold of your penis and stretch it out to the point of excruciating pain. Shriek in terror and then let it go and watch it snap back while it makes a *THWAP* sound. Repeat.
Gravity is Fun
# of players: 2
Rules: Drop item. Stare intently at item and squeal until other player retrieves it for you. Repeat.
Bonus points: Play during much anticipated sports game, preferably late in the 4th quarter.
Put Fingers in my Poo
# of players: 2
Rules: While diaper is getting changed, reach down and stick your fingers in your own excrement. Then, touch everything around you as fast as you can.
Kick Daddy in the Balls
# of players: 2
Rules: While napping peacefully with Dad, roll over and firmly kick him square in the testicles. Repeat until you lock up your status as only child.
For the Love of Lint
# of players: 2
Rules: Pretend to play quietly by yourself on a blanket with a toy. As soon as Player two's back is turned, grab nasty tangled hair laden lint mass hidden in blankets and put it in your mouth. Repeat.
Annoy the Dog
# of players: 1 + Dog
Rules: While in "Ring-a-Ding" walker, chase helpless dog all over the house. Once dog is cornered, yank his ears and pull his fur until he moves to a new location. Repeat.
Embarrass Dad
# of players: 3 or more
Rules: While in public, proceed to charm every person in sight. Once a small crowd of attractive young women has gathered and Dad is explaining to them what an awesome, sweet, perfect baby your are, loudly and emphatically crap your pants while grunting and turning purple.
True, many of these games are timeless and can be played well into teenage and adult years. However, I will no doubt often be adding new games to this list as Zach's creativity expands. So be sure to check back to this post from time to time. Parents, feel free to share your own.
Take a Dump in the Bath
# of players: 2-3
Rules: Engage in happy bubbly play in bath while sitting in between the legs of a clueless player 2. While player 2 is distracted, take silent but massive dump. Do not give any outward clues to the passing of this event. Score points for allowing player 2 to come across it as he gropes in the bathwater for the sponge.
Yank the Penis (formerly known as "Squeeze the Testicles")
# of players: 1
Rules: While naked (getting changed, taking bath etc.), firmly grasp hold of your penis and stretch it out to the point of excruciating pain. Shriek in terror and then let it go and watch it snap back while it makes a *THWAP* sound. Repeat.
Gravity is Fun
# of players: 2
Rules: Drop item. Stare intently at item and squeal until other player retrieves it for you. Repeat.
Bonus points: Play during much anticipated sports game, preferably late in the 4th quarter.
Put Fingers in my Poo
# of players: 2
Rules: While diaper is getting changed, reach down and stick your fingers in your own excrement. Then, touch everything around you as fast as you can.
Kick Daddy in the Balls
# of players: 2
Rules: While napping peacefully with Dad, roll over and firmly kick him square in the testicles. Repeat until you lock up your status as only child.
For the Love of Lint
# of players: 2
Rules: Pretend to play quietly by yourself on a blanket with a toy. As soon as Player two's back is turned, grab nasty tangled hair laden lint mass hidden in blankets and put it in your mouth. Repeat.
Annoy the Dog
# of players: 1 + Dog
Rules: While in "Ring-a-Ding" walker, chase helpless dog all over the house. Once dog is cornered, yank his ears and pull his fur until he moves to a new location. Repeat.
Embarrass Dad
# of players: 3 or more
Rules: While in public, proceed to charm every person in sight. Once a small crowd of attractive young women has gathered and Dad is explaining to them what an awesome, sweet, perfect baby your are, loudly and emphatically crap your pants while grunting and turning purple.
True, many of these games are timeless and can be played well into teenage and adult years. However, I will no doubt often be adding new games to this list as Zach's creativity expands. So be sure to check back to this post from time to time. Parents, feel free to share your own.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Snakes on a Plane
The title of this blog is a little on the risque side, but my mind completely embraced that title to the exclusion of other creative tag lines that are G-rated.
Disclaimer: Kacy can tell this story infinately better. However, the content almost demanded an immediate blogger tribute. I'll have to fill Kacy's (proverbially) large shoes.
Why this is important: Today, I recieved my first inkling that Zachary may have inhereted Kacy's (bad) propensity to continually fall into situations that are straight out of a Mel Brooks production.
So what happened? Kacy and Zachary embarked on their first plane-ride together to Sacramento this morning. Prior to the flight, Zachary downed 10 ounces of formula and topped that off with some water. For Zachary, this is ALOT of fluid. So, sometime into the flight, Zachary's diaper was filled to the elastic tabs with urine.
In this day and age, it is almost appalling to realize just how many places are not equipped to deal with the nuances of baby changings. When babys outgrow lap changing but are not yet standing up, your only option is to lay them down somewhere on the floor. Where might this be in an airplane? Back by the food preparation area. (And the microbiologist in me is cringing...)
Luckily for Kacy, Zachary is a babe-magnet (no really, I've had 20-something fit girls in bikinis melt at him in MY arms....total babe-magnet). So, not surprisingly, Kacy sweet talks a stewardess into letting him use the food preparation area in the rear of the plane as a baby port-o-potty station. There was just enough room to lay Zachary down on a changing pad, while Kacy squatted on one side and the stewardess squatted on the other side to "coo at the baby". You can imagine what this must have looked like to the curious passengers who were undoubtably turning their heads in confusion to see two backsides crowding out the rear of the plane.
And then, Kacy took off the diaper and an "uh-oh" escaped his lips.
See, apparently, baby boys develop a sizable erection just before they are going to spout off. Zachary is no exception, and Kacy and I (and grandparents) have learned that the larger the erection, the more urine is going to launch from 'Ol Faithful. The stewardess had no idea what was coming. There was just enough time for the stewardess to open her mouth to say "wha.....OH MY! OH MY GOD!"
Yep. Zach peed all over the stewardess. Her face, Her hair, her dress. With no room to move, she squatted there and took 10 ounces of fresh urine to the face and torso. A towel was needed to clean up the drippage off her face. The entire last five rows of the plane erupted in laughter.
Imagine explaining the smell to the next flight crew.
Disclaimer: Kacy can tell this story infinately better. However, the content almost demanded an immediate blogger tribute. I'll have to fill Kacy's (proverbially) large shoes.
Why this is important: Today, I recieved my first inkling that Zachary may have inhereted Kacy's (bad) propensity to continually fall into situations that are straight out of a Mel Brooks production.
So what happened? Kacy and Zachary embarked on their first plane-ride together to Sacramento this morning. Prior to the flight, Zachary downed 10 ounces of formula and topped that off with some water. For Zachary, this is ALOT of fluid. So, sometime into the flight, Zachary's diaper was filled to the elastic tabs with urine.
In this day and age, it is almost appalling to realize just how many places are not equipped to deal with the nuances of baby changings. When babys outgrow lap changing but are not yet standing up, your only option is to lay them down somewhere on the floor. Where might this be in an airplane? Back by the food preparation area. (And the microbiologist in me is cringing...)
Luckily for Kacy, Zachary is a babe-magnet (no really, I've had 20-something fit girls in bikinis melt at him in MY arms....total babe-magnet). So, not surprisingly, Kacy sweet talks a stewardess into letting him use the food preparation area in the rear of the plane as a baby port-o-potty station. There was just enough room to lay Zachary down on a changing pad, while Kacy squatted on one side and the stewardess squatted on the other side to "coo at the baby". You can imagine what this must have looked like to the curious passengers who were undoubtably turning their heads in confusion to see two backsides crowding out the rear of the plane.
And then, Kacy took off the diaper and an "uh-oh" escaped his lips.
See, apparently, baby boys develop a sizable erection just before they are going to spout off. Zachary is no exception, and Kacy and I (and grandparents) have learned that the larger the erection, the more urine is going to launch from 'Ol Faithful. The stewardess had no idea what was coming. There was just enough time for the stewardess to open her mouth to say "wha.....OH MY! OH MY GOD!"
Yep. Zach peed all over the stewardess. Her face, Her hair, her dress. With no room to move, she squatted there and took 10 ounces of fresh urine to the face and torso. A towel was needed to clean up the drippage off her face. The entire last five rows of the plane erupted in laughter.
Imagine explaining the smell to the next flight crew.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Zach Speaks
I have spent nearly every moment of my son's existence in his presence. I am literally the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees when he falls asleep. I have sculpted his tiny little brain to mirror my own razor-sharp steel trap of a mind. The vast majority of his life experiences have involved my fatherly influence and guidance.
You can imagine my surprise when I heard him utter his first word, "MAAAAMAAA".
"No. No, nononononono. Son, you're saying it wrong. It's pronounced,'DUH-DUH-DUH' for Dad, Dada, or Daddy. Even various derivatives such as Pop, Pappa, Big Papi, or 'old man' are all acceptable".
Zach smiles at me, "MMMAAAMAAA"
Obviously, my son has a severe speech disorder. He seems incapable of correctly pronouncing the letter D. Despite the hours of relentless practice with top speech therapists and professional tutors, he still insists on pronouncing the letter 'D' with an "Mmmm" sound. Oddly, Lesley doesn't seem too concerned...
You can imagine my surprise when I heard him utter his first word, "MAAAAMAAA".
"No. No, nononononono. Son, you're saying it wrong. It's pronounced,'DUH-DUH-DUH' for Dad, Dada, or Daddy. Even various derivatives such as Pop, Pappa, Big Papi, or 'old man' are all acceptable".
Zach smiles at me, "MMMAAAMAAA"
Obviously, my son has a severe speech disorder. He seems incapable of correctly pronouncing the letter D. Despite the hours of relentless practice with top speech therapists and professional tutors, he still insists on pronouncing the letter 'D' with an "Mmmm" sound. Oddly, Lesley doesn't seem too concerned...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Mother Sucker
My son has a hard-core oral fixation. To date, Zach's day-to-day activities pivot around the availability of his beloved pacifiers. My well practiced ritual of frantically searching for a "bippy" every time Zach starts to fuss is now such an entrenched part of my life that I can't imagine a few hours passing without it.
Perhaps some tiny smidgen of blame rests on my shoulders. After all, plugging up his milk-hole is the closest thing he has to an "off button", and I admit to pushing it often.
Yet despite it's predictable and seductive utility, I have noticed a steady decline in a pacifier's ability to actually make our son pacific. And with that, so has diminished our diligence to protect the health and well being of our child from foreign antigen exposure via said pacifier.
To demonstrate the alarming rate of decline, I have provided for all of you my own personal protocol,"How to sterilize a pacifier. A chronology"
1 month old baby: Following strict GLP guidelines, All pacifiers, regardless of use, are to be soaked in a 10% chlorine bleach solution for 30 min. followed by 15 minutes in a autoclave kept in a UV equipped fume hood.
2 month old baby: Pacifiers are to be boiled and machine washed every day
3 month old baby: Pacifier that falls on floor is to be immediately washed in hot soapy water
4 month old baby: Insert pacifier into own mouth prior to inserting into childs' mouth
5 month old baby: Wipe pacifier briefly on pants
6 month old baby: Have dog retrieve pacifier from under the couch and immediately insert into screaming child's gaping maw
Here is an undoctored, actual real-life example of a pacifier I found under Zach's crib just prior to writing this entry. No joke.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Yeah, but can he pair wine with food?
Zachary was practically born smiling and I have the pictures to prove it. Lesley: hospital gown, tattered hair, teary eyes, burst facial capillaries. Zach: Smiling. And no, it wasn't gas. What more could you ask for in a child once you get past the whole ten fingers- ten toes thing?
On the flip side, he's never been a sleeper. I don't know who wrote all those books that tell you that babies sleep around the clock for the first few weeks, but they're full of it. Zach never liked closing his eyes, not when he could be babbling or singing or smiling manically at the pillowcase in an attempt to make friends with it. When he did nap it had to be in the swing. When he did sleep it had to between us in bed. Fitfully, actively. He divided the night between punching Lesley and kicking me. Those aren't bags under my eyes, they're bruises.
Only in a social context have Zachary's sleep issues been a good thing. It's gotten me out of more than a few situations where the happy baby accolades are getting out of hand. Imagine a well-meaning friend, right in front of half dozen other babies and their doting mothers, exclaiming, "wow, that's the happiest baby I've ever seen!" Next thing you know the there are six women glaring at me and my child in almighty silence, then scrambling to make funny faces and poopy sounds in an all-out effort to demonstrate that their baby is happy too, damn it. Potential social crisis indeed. Potential social crisis averted, however, when I mention, "well, he's not a sleeper."
Instantly, the moms are smiling at me like I'm giving away free money. Then they look at each other smugly and nod and wink and give the secret my-baby-sleeps handshake, and start relating stories about how little Tiffany has been sleeping fourteen hours a night straight through since she was 3 weeks. And wakes up laughing every morning. With a clean diaper. That smells like gardenias.
But the other day, it all changed. After six straight months of accrued sleep deprivation, the unimaginable has happened: Zach slept in his crib. All night long. No force-feeding, no duct tape, no Rohypnol mixed in with the formula.
Please don't hate me moms, I bet your kid has much better, um, hair.
On the flip side, he's never been a sleeper. I don't know who wrote all those books that tell you that babies sleep around the clock for the first few weeks, but they're full of it. Zach never liked closing his eyes, not when he could be babbling or singing or smiling manically at the pillowcase in an attempt to make friends with it. When he did nap it had to be in the swing. When he did sleep it had to between us in bed. Fitfully, actively. He divided the night between punching Lesley and kicking me. Those aren't bags under my eyes, they're bruises.
Only in a social context have Zachary's sleep issues been a good thing. It's gotten me out of more than a few situations where the happy baby accolades are getting out of hand. Imagine a well-meaning friend, right in front of half dozen other babies and their doting mothers, exclaiming, "wow, that's the happiest baby I've ever seen!" Next thing you know the there are six women glaring at me and my child in almighty silence, then scrambling to make funny faces and poopy sounds in an all-out effort to demonstrate that their baby is happy too, damn it. Potential social crisis indeed. Potential social crisis averted, however, when I mention, "well, he's not a sleeper."
Instantly, the moms are smiling at me like I'm giving away free money. Then they look at each other smugly and nod and wink and give the secret my-baby-sleeps handshake, and start relating stories about how little Tiffany has been sleeping fourteen hours a night straight through since she was 3 weeks. And wakes up laughing every morning. With a clean diaper. That smells like gardenias.
But the other day, it all changed. After six straight months of accrued sleep deprivation, the unimaginable has happened: Zach slept in his crib. All night long. No force-feeding, no duct tape, no Rohypnol mixed in with the formula.
Please don't hate me moms, I bet your kid has much better, um, hair.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Zach Sits Up
10 steps to get your 6 month old child to sit up on their very own.
STEP 1: Clear you schedule
STEP 2: Redefine your interpretation of the word "patience"
STEP 3: Test your new found perspective by taking two dozen cats to a dog park and herd them into a hula-hoop placed on the ground in the center of the field. If you fail, give up or lose any cats, go back to step one. If you succeed, proceed to step four.
STEP 4: Prepare the practice area. To do this you must remove any sharp or hard objects within a 100 foot diameter of your child. Failure to do so will result in your child's' skull making instant contact with said object(s).
STEP 5: Bend your child at the hips and place their bottom firmly on the ground.
STEP 6: Let go of your child
STEP 7: Stop the bleeding by applying firm pressure with a clean cloth applied to your child's' skull.
STEP 8: Remove hard/sharp object from the practice area and go back to step 5. Repeat as necessary (minimum of 10 times)
STEP 9: Once your child successfully sits for 5 seconds, acquire video recorder to document the event.
STEP 10: Push "record" and go back to step one
STEP 1: Clear you schedule
STEP 2: Redefine your interpretation of the word "patience"
STEP 3: Test your new found perspective by taking two dozen cats to a dog park and herd them into a hula-hoop placed on the ground in the center of the field. If you fail, give up or lose any cats, go back to step one. If you succeed, proceed to step four.
STEP 4: Prepare the practice area. To do this you must remove any sharp or hard objects within a 100 foot diameter of your child. Failure to do so will result in your child's' skull making instant contact with said object(s).
STEP 5: Bend your child at the hips and place their bottom firmly on the ground.
STEP 6: Let go of your child
STEP 7: Stop the bleeding by applying firm pressure with a clean cloth applied to your child's' skull.
STEP 8: Remove hard/sharp object from the practice area and go back to step 5. Repeat as necessary (minimum of 10 times)
STEP 9: Once your child successfully sits for 5 seconds, acquire video recorder to document the event.
STEP 10: Push "record" and go back to step one
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
6 Months old!
I am writing the following with one hand while bouncing my fussy son on my knee. That said, I would like to apologize in advance for any spelling/grammatical errors or random tangent rantings that may have escaped my notice.
Zachary turned 6 months old yesterday and I know I should be writing some awesome, memorable blog to mark the occasion. However, it seems sleep deprivation has leeched me of all creativity and further loosened my already weak grasp of the English language. Meanwhile, Zach continues to make a mockery of my stamina and needlessly flaunts his superior brainpower and physical prowess. My pathetic attempt to keep up and document his development is laughable. On a daily basis we have a plethora of events that call for witty well written masterpieces (Zach's fans deserve no less) and I promise I'll make a valiant attempt in the near future to write on some of our most recent fiascoes.
To celebrate our son's very merry un-birthday, we took an evening trip to the Wild Animal Park. Perhaps some day, through vigorous application of selective memory filters, Lesley and I will forget the half hour of blood curling screams we suffered through in the car on the way to the park and remember the excursion as very pleasant and worthy of repeating.
Be that as it may, despite the 10 years my wife and I aged over the prior 30 minutes, our moods drastically improved once we got to the park. We practically had the place to ourselves (we arrived 2 hours before closing on a Wednesday) and Zachary seemed to get a kick out of all the new funky looking creatures. He openly gazed at many of the animals with what I can only describe as respect- undoubtedly for their ability to emit odors rivaling those of his own. Here are some pics from our day~
Thursday, July 17, 2008
20 Baby Gadgets from Cracked.com
Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.
#20.
Zaky Infant Pillow
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.
They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"
#19
Baby Keeper
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.
Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!
#18.
Swimming Neck Ring
This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.
#17.
Pee-Pee Teepee
It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!
We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.
#16.
Baby Perfume
This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.
Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.
#15.
O'Pair Baby Leash
This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.
#14.
"Thudguard" Helmet
Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).
#13.
3rd Arm
If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.
#12.
Daddle
Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.
#11.
Hamburger Baby Costume
Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?
#12
Metallica Lullabies
Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers.
#9.
Manual Snot Sucker
Here are two key points when using this product :
* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.
* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.
#8.
Her First Heels
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!
Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.
#7.
Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.
#6.
Po-Knee
The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.
Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.
#5.
Man Boobs
From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.
#4.
Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume
Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes
Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn
#3.
Bucktooth Pacifier
Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.
This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!
#2 & #1.
Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos
Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.
The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore.
#20.
Zaky Infant Pillow
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.
They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"
#19
Baby Keeper
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.
Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!
#18.
Swimming Neck Ring
This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.
#17.
Pee-Pee Teepee
It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!
We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.
#16.
Baby Perfume
This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.
Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.
#15.
O'Pair Baby Leash
This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.
#14.
"Thudguard" Helmet
Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).
#13.
3rd Arm
If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.
#12.
Daddle
Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.
#11.
Hamburger Baby Costume
Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?
#12
Metallica Lullabies
Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers.
#9.
Manual Snot Sucker
Here are two key points when using this product :
* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.
* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.
#8.
Her First Heels
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!
Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.
#7.
Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.#6.
Po-Knee
The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.
Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.
#5.
Man Boobs
From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.
#4.
Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume
Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes
Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn
#3.
Bucktooth Pacifier
Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.
This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!
#2 & #1.
Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos
Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.
The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore.
Sun Diego
Ahhhhhh. Sunshine. Who would have thought I could ever miss it? Well, not me for one. But there I was, soaking up the sun in my backyard with my son in Oceanside California and loving every second of it.Yet later that same day, several of my friends were quick to point out my distinct lack of a tan* while shielding their eyes and shrieking in terror. I indignantly retorted that I had spent almost 8 whole minutes in the sun just a few hours prior with little more than a thin coat of SPF 30. And besides, pasty pale skin is healthy, right? It should be the new trend in "Health Conscious" Southern California any day now, right?
As it turns out, it would seem pioneers of common sense are never understood or appreciated.
Speaking of pioneering, Zachary has had a VERY exciting month filled with all kinds of wondrous achievements. In between moving from Seattle to San Diego he somehow managed to crank out a series of new "first ever" events. Including:
his first steps (backward- assisted by a "ring-a-ding" walker)
his first solid food (mashed potatoes)
and consequently, his first solid turd
Due to circumstances beyond my control (read: poor timing, Devinne intervention and good ol' fashioned laziness), I was unable to document such "personal best" milestones. I did however manage to get some nice shots of him at the park for his first ride in a swing and his first trip to the beach. Here are some pics of his grand day out with me, Lesley and Grandma.
*For those of you living in the North West, I looked up the word tan and found that it is a colloquialism for temporary hyper pigmentation or "browning" of the skin... I know, weird
Finally, it has been brought to my attention that many of you have still not had the life-altering, better-than-sex experience of meeting my boy. So consider this a friendly reminder that we have an open door policy when it comes to showing off our kid (i.e., stop your bitching and high tail it down to San Diego before you miss it and he grows up).
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