Mother Sucker

My son has a hard-core oral fixation. To date, Zach's day-to-day activities pivot around the availability of his beloved pacifiers. My well practiced ritual of frantically searching for a "bippy" every time Zach starts to fuss is now such an entrenched part of my life that I can't imagine a few hours passing without it.

Perhaps some tiny smidgen of blame rests on my shoulders. After all, plugging up his milk-hole is the closest thing he has to an "off button", and I admit to pushing it often.

Yet despite it's predictable and seductive utility, I have noticed a steady decline in a pacifier's ability to actually make our son pacific. And with that, so has diminished our diligence to protect the health and well being of our child from foreign antigen exposure via said pacifier.

To demonstrate the alarming rate of decline, I have provided for all of you my own personal protocol,"How to sterilize a pacifier. A chronology"

1 month old baby: Following strict GLP guidelines, All pacifiers, regardless of use, are to be soaked in a 10% chlorine bleach solution for 30 min. followed by 15 minutes in a autoclave kept in a UV equipped fume hood.

2 month old baby: Pacifiers are to be boiled and machine washed every day

3 month old baby: Pacifier that falls on floor is to be immediately washed in hot soapy water

4 month old baby: Insert pacifier into own mouth prior to inserting into childs' mouth

5 month old baby: Wipe pacifier briefly on pants

6 month old baby: Have dog retrieve pacifier from under the couch and immediately insert into screaming child's gaping maw

Here is an undoctored, actual real-life example of a pacifier I found under Zach's crib just prior to writing this entry. No joke.