The Art Of Parenting

The proceeding picture is one I took of Zachary shortly after he realized that I wasn’t going to let him eat the squashed bug he had just discovered on the floor. Unsurprisingly, he launched into a well-researched, beautifully constructed and brilliantly articulated, hissy fit.

That got me thinking; if little Winston here wasn’t the tender age of 9 months old, he’d probably be kicking the intellectual shit out of me right now and I’d eventually have to let him eat the damn bug.

The writing’s on the wall. I’m simply no match for this kid. I’m Doomed. Helpless. Hopeless. We’d both be a hell of a lot happier if he just always got what he wanted.

But as I was getting ready to pour myself a stiff drink and settle into the inevitable roll of “Deadbeat Dad”, I saw a peculiar book in my bookshelf.

“The Art of War” by Sun Tzu

“Ok” I thought, “It’s worth a try”.

I opened the book and started reading. 2 pages in, I was amused. 10 pages in, I was in awe.

The formula is simple. Just replace the word “enemy” with “child” and BAM! You have the single greatest Guide to Successful Parenting ever printed on paper or bamboo.

Chapter Summary:

1. Laying Plans: Evaluate your competitive strengths and weaknesses against your (child)


2. Conflict (Waging War): Making the winning play requires limiting the cost of conflict with your (child).


3. Strategic Attack: When engaged in a competitive situation with your (child), strength comes from unity, not size, of your forces


4. Tactical Dispositions: Defend existing positions established against your (child).


5. Energy: Use creativity and timing when engaged in a conflict with your (child).


6. Weak Points & Strong: Recognize opportunities that come from the relative weakness of your (child) in a given area.


7. Maneuvering: How to win confrontations of direct conflict when they are forced upon you by your (child).


8. Variation and Adaptability: Be flexible in your responses to your (child). Respond to shifting circumstances differently.


9. The (Child) on the March: Evaluate the intentions of your (child) in order to anticipate their maneuvers against you.


10. Choose The Terrain: Understand the (child’s) general areas of resistance.


11. The Nine Situations: Nine common situations in a competitive campaign and the specific focus you need to successfully navigate each of them.


12. The Fiery attack: The (child) may use the environment as a weapon and the appropriate responses to such attack.


13. The Use of Intelligence and Espionage: Develop inside contacts to acquire current information about the (child).

So there you have it. Raise a child, take over the world.

Piece of cake.