Too young for Chutes and Ladders, Too old to just sit there whlie you drink

Zach has reached an age where simple shadows on the wall don't hold his attention like they used to. As a result, he has found a variety of ways to satisfy is ever growing demand for cheap, accessible entertainment. Here is a list of his current favorite pastimes.

Take a Dump in the Bath
# of players: 2-3
Rules: Engage in happy bubbly play in bath while sitting in between the legs of a clueless player 2. While player 2 is distracted, take silent but massive dump. Do not give any outward clues to the passing of this event. Score points for allowing player 2 to come across it as he gropes in the bathwater for the sponge.

Yank the Penis (formerly known as "Squeeze the Testicles")
# of players: 1
Rules: While naked (getting changed, taking bath etc.), firmly grasp hold of your penis and stretch it out to the point of excruciating pain. Shriek in terror and then let it go and watch it snap back while it makes a *THWAP* sound. Repeat.

Gravity is Fun
# of players: 2
Rules: Drop item. Stare intently at item and squeal until other player retrieves it for you. Repeat.
Bonus points: Play during much anticipated sports game, preferably late in the 4th quarter.

Put Fingers in my Poo
# of players: 2
Rules: While diaper is getting changed, reach down and stick your fingers in your own excrement. Then, touch everything around you as fast as you can.

Kick Daddy in the Balls
# of players: 2
Rules: While napping peacefully with Dad, roll over and firmly kick him square in the testicles. Repeat until you lock up your status as only child.

For the Love of Lint
# of players: 2
Rules: Pretend to play quietly by yourself on a blanket with a toy. As soon as Player two's back is turned, grab nasty tangled hair laden lint mass hidden in blankets and put it in your mouth. Repeat.

Annoy the Dog
# of players: 1 + Dog
Rules: While in "Ring-a-Ding" walker, chase helpless dog all over the house. Once dog is cornered, yank his ears and pull his fur until he moves to a new location. Repeat.

Embarrass Dad
# of players: 3 or more
Rules: While in public, proceed to charm every person in sight. Once a small crowd of attractive young women has gathered and Dad is explaining to them what an awesome, sweet, perfect baby your are, loudly and emphatically crap your pants while grunting and turning purple.

True, many of these games are timeless and can be played well into teenage and adult years. However, I will no doubt often be adding new games to this list as Zach's creativity expands. So be sure to check back to this post from time to time. Parents, feel free to share your own.

Snakes on a Plane

The title of this blog is a little on the risque side, but my mind completely embraced that title to the exclusion of other creative tag lines that are G-rated.

Disclaimer: Kacy can tell this story infinately better. However, the content almost demanded an immediate blogger tribute. I'll have to fill Kacy's (proverbially) large shoes.

Why this is important: Today, I recieved my first inkling that Zachary may have inhereted Kacy's (bad) propensity to continually fall into situations that are straight out of a Mel Brooks production.

So what happened? Kacy and Zachary embarked on their first plane-ride together to Sacramento this morning. Prior to the flight, Zachary downed 10 ounces of formula and topped that off with some water. For Zachary, this is ALOT of fluid. So, sometime into the flight, Zachary's diaper was filled to the elastic tabs with urine.

In this day and age, it is almost appalling to realize just how many places are not equipped to deal with the nuances of baby changings. When babys outgrow lap changing but are not yet standing up, your only option is to lay them down somewhere on the floor. Where might this be in an airplane? Back by the food preparation area. (And the microbiologist in me is cringing...)

Luckily for Kacy, Zachary is a babe-magnet (no really, I've had 20-something fit girls in bikinis melt at him in MY arms....total babe-magnet). So, not surprisingly, Kacy sweet talks a stewardess into letting him use the food preparation area in the rear of the plane as a baby port-o-potty station. There was just enough room to lay Zachary down on a changing pad, while Kacy squatted on one side and the stewardess squatted on the other side to "coo at the baby". You can imagine what this must have looked like to the curious passengers who were undoubtably turning their heads in confusion to see two backsides crowding out the rear of the plane.

And then, Kacy took off the diaper and an "uh-oh" escaped his lips.

See, apparently, baby boys develop a sizable erection just before they are going to spout off. Zachary is no exception, and Kacy and I (and grandparents) have learned that the larger the erection, the more urine is going to launch from 'Ol Faithful. The stewardess had no idea what was coming. There was just enough time for the stewardess to open her mouth to say "wha.....OH MY! OH MY GOD!"

Yep. Zach peed all over the stewardess. Her face, Her hair, her dress. With no room to move, she squatted there and took 10 ounces of fresh urine to the face and torso. A towel was needed to clean up the drippage off her face. The entire last five rows of the plane erupted in laughter.
Imagine explaining the smell to the next flight crew.

Zach Speaks

I have spent nearly every moment of my son's existence in his presence. I am literally the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees when he falls asleep. I have sculpted his tiny little brain to mirror my own razor-sharp steel trap of a mind. The vast majority of his life experiences have involved my fatherly influence and guidance.

You can imagine my surprise when I heard him utter his first word, "MAAAAMAAA".

"No. No, nononononono. Son, you're saying it wrong. It's pronounced,'DUH-DUH-DUH' for Dad, Dada, or Daddy. Even various derivatives such as Pop, Pappa, Big Papi, or 'old man' are all acceptable".

Zach smiles at me, "MMMAAAMAAA"

Obviously, my son has a severe speech disorder. He seems incapable of correctly pronouncing the letter D. Despite the hours of relentless practice with top speech therapists and professional tutors, he still insists on pronouncing the letter 'D' with an "Mmmm" sound. Oddly, Lesley doesn't seem too concerned...

Mother Sucker

My son has a hard-core oral fixation. To date, Zach's day-to-day activities pivot around the availability of his beloved pacifiers. My well practiced ritual of frantically searching for a "bippy" every time Zach starts to fuss is now such an entrenched part of my life that I can't imagine a few hours passing without it.

Perhaps some tiny smidgen of blame rests on my shoulders. After all, plugging up his milk-hole is the closest thing he has to an "off button", and I admit to pushing it often.

Yet despite it's predictable and seductive utility, I have noticed a steady decline in a pacifier's ability to actually make our son pacific. And with that, so has diminished our diligence to protect the health and well being of our child from foreign antigen exposure via said pacifier.

To demonstrate the alarming rate of decline, I have provided for all of you my own personal protocol,"How to sterilize a pacifier. A chronology"

1 month old baby: Following strict GLP guidelines, All pacifiers, regardless of use, are to be soaked in a 10% chlorine bleach solution for 30 min. followed by 15 minutes in a autoclave kept in a UV equipped fume hood.

2 month old baby: Pacifiers are to be boiled and machine washed every day

3 month old baby: Pacifier that falls on floor is to be immediately washed in hot soapy water

4 month old baby: Insert pacifier into own mouth prior to inserting into childs' mouth

5 month old baby: Wipe pacifier briefly on pants

6 month old baby: Have dog retrieve pacifier from under the couch and immediately insert into screaming child's gaping maw

Here is an undoctored, actual real-life example of a pacifier I found under Zach's crib just prior to writing this entry. No joke.

Yeah, but can he pair wine with food?

Zachary was practically born smiling and I have the pictures to prove it. Lesley: hospital gown, tattered hair, teary eyes, burst facial capillaries. Zach: Smiling. And no, it wasn't gas. What more could you ask for in a child once you get past the whole ten fingers- ten toes thing?

On the flip side, he's never been a sleeper. I don't know who wrote all those books that tell you that babies sleep around the clock for the first few weeks, but they're full of it. Zach never liked closing his eyes, not when he could be babbling or singing or smiling manically at the pillowcase in an attempt to make friends with it. When he did nap it had to be in the swing. When he did sleep it had to between us in bed. Fitfully, actively. He divided the night between punching Lesley and kicking me. Those aren't bags under my eyes, they're bruises.

Only in a social context have Zachary's sleep issues been a good thing. It's gotten me out of more than a few situations where the happy baby accolades are getting out of hand. Imagine a well-meaning friend, right in front of half dozen other babies and their doting mothers, exclaiming, "wow, that's the happiest baby I've ever seen!" Next thing you know the there are six women glaring at me and my child in almighty silence, then scrambling to make funny faces and poopy sounds in an all-out effort to demonstrate that their baby is happy too, damn it. Potential social crisis indeed. Potential social crisis averted, however, when I mention, "well, he's not a sleeper."

Instantly, the moms are smiling at me like I'm giving away free money. Then they look at each other smugly and nod and wink and give the secret my-baby-sleeps handshake, and start relating stories about how little Tiffany has been sleeping fourteen hours a night straight through since she was 3 weeks. And wakes up laughing every morning. With a clean diaper. That smells like gardenias.

But the other day, it all changed. After six straight months of accrued sleep deprivation, the unimaginable has happened: Zach slept in his crib. All night long. No force-feeding, no duct tape, no Rohypnol mixed in with the formula.

Please don't hate me moms, I bet your kid has much better, um, hair.

Zach Sits Up

10 steps to get your 6 month old child to sit up on their very own.

STEP 1: Clear you schedule

STEP 2: Redefine your interpretation of the word "patience"

STEP 3: Test your new found perspective by taking two dozen cats to a dog park and herd them into a hula-hoop placed on the ground in the center of the field. If you fail, give up or lose any cats, go back to step one. If you succeed, proceed to step four.

STEP 4: Prepare the practice area. To do this you must remove any sharp or hard objects within a 100 foot diameter of your child. Failure to do so will result in your child's' skull making instant contact with said object(s).

STEP 5: Bend your child at the hips and place their bottom firmly on the ground.

STEP 6: Let go of your child

STEP 7: Stop the bleeding by applying firm pressure with a clean cloth applied to your child's' skull.

STEP 8: Remove hard/sharp object from the practice area and go back to step 5. Repeat as necessary (minimum of 10 times)

STEP 9: Once your child successfully sits for 5 seconds, acquire video recorder to document the event.

STEP 10: Push "record" and go back to step one