Child of Ungoliant

Zach had another near death experience today. This in and of itself is nothing unusual. Except today it wasn’t his typical blatant disregard for human life exercised in the form of licking an outlet, eating loose change or pulling the dog’s ears. No, today he was just an innocent bystander. Today, death came looking for him.

I walked into my son’s bedroom to find him ignoring his toys and inquisitively looking just over my shoulder at the back corner of the room.

“Hey Squirt, whatcha’ looking OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT”

Apparently while my family was away for Thanksgiving, Shelob decided to move out of Mordor and take up residence in Zach’s bedroom.

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I am proud of the fact that very few things actually scare or intimidate me;

Heights? No problem.

Snakes? Pshaw.

Standing naked in front of a large gathering while giving a ill-prepared speech? Easy.

But if I unexpectedly come across a spider, I shriek and quickly dissolve into inconsolable hysterics like a schoolgirl who has unexpectedly come across Zac Efron.

Armed with nothing more than a box of Kleenex, I ignored the natural instinct to soil myself and took a defensive stance. Throwing caution into the wind, I quickly positioned my body between the Boy and the massive, egg engorged, pulsating spawn of hatred from the underworld.

Akin to the parent who somehow finds superhuman strength to lift a car that’s rolled onto their child, I dug deep and found the courage to attack.

An epic battle ensued where I fought valiantly but was ultimately ambushed, paralyzed and left for dead only to be found by Orcs who took me captive in the enemy stronghold of Cirith Ungol.

I’ll gloss over the details at this point, but let me just say that I escaped, was reunited with my family and I’m fine.

The above picture was indeed taken in Zachary’s room but in Washington, not San Diego. The guest star of today’s blog was actually a black widow- These are small but still very dangerous to children. Lets just say if he could choose between getting a bite from a Widow, Cobra or Coral snake he would be ill advised not to go with the either of the latter two. No, I didn’t get a photograph of Shelob. I almost died. Cut me some damn slack.